quiet time

I’m squatting down feeding Fig with a fork. Mainly shoving the food out of its muck so she can lick it up. She’s become so blind, and I hate to admit it, but senile too. She seems not to know how to eat these past few days, is standing looking at the wall and generally confused. Looking 15 in her blind eyes Fig’s health is starting to concern me.

So, I’m squatting in the kitchen, fork feeding my dog, and the thing that goes through my head is, It’s so quiet. I’ve been noticing it today. I had to get out of the house for a while because of it, choosing to walk the quiet residential streets. There is no Billy, no music, not talking in the house. Just the sound of the fork scrapping the bowl and Fig lapping it up. I’m thinking… No Billy dragging ass across the floor trying to swoop those leftover Fig morsels before someone yells or snatched his plump little body away, no you tube, or hulu, no bleeping of text messages or emails coming through the phone, no phone calls.

It’s quiet and I need to make it not so quiet. It’s more quiet pounding through my body than I can take. I’m crying and crying from the quiet, making sound that needs to escape.

I’ve been reading through a list of wants-vs-needs in relationship. I wrote it a few months ago when Felice and I were going to see a counselor in Seattle. The counselor asked us to do it so we could have a starting place for our meeting with her. We never shared these lists. Bummer. I wish I had a copy of hers and she mine. It’s important stuff. Felice is the one who got me thinking about it so long ago when we were trying to talk about how to do our relationship. I think it was when we were reading Tristan’s book Opening Up. We were excited about the possibilities. I’m not sure if we shared our lists then either. I wonder if it would have turned out differently if we had done this up front, early in our relationship. Think about it folks and make plans and provisions about what you want, who you are. Do it early so you know where you stand. Don’t cheat, lie, omit important information, and listen to what the other party says. Don't think you can change him/her. Be transparent and do the best you can. It will hurt at some point; it’s a relationship after all. But be out there and real. It’s worth it every time whether you’re coming or going.

I think I like the quiet.

Ouch! I’m thinking that too. That’s harsh right? But also it’s true. It’s been tight quarters here for months and it feels good to open up boxes I haven’t seen for literally years. To organize and clean. To have music or not. To listen to the scrape of the fork on the dog dish.

I’ve been listening to this cd over and over again. Liz gave it to me as a joke because the musician is Rodriguez. She hadn’t listened to it and I just popped it in yesterday cringing a little as I do. Much to my surprise it’s an astonishing album recorded in 1969 the music was lost for decades and the man who made it too. It’s a lightly psychedelic urban tale of drugs, love and revolution. I love it. Rodriguez is compared to Dylan, but reminds me of Nick Drake sans the flowery feel. The music reminds me of Felice and Debbie N. and Zelda, some of the music fanatics I know.

I kind of feel like I just took my last drink. An alcoholic coming out of the fog. The rain has stopped for the moment and the colors are brilliant. There is a haze of new green grass shooting through the black compost in the backyard, it’s pushing up through the earth and into me. The light, composition and color is filling me fully for the moment. But I really want that next drink and I'm angry and sad I can't have it. Last night I took a long walk once the rain stopped. It’s been warmer and it was good to stretch out. I love the starkness of winter branches contrasted by the holiday lights, and occasional garish glare and hum of the blow-up snow people, the santa on a harley, mickey in a snow globe. I can laugh.

I’ve got more work to do around the house to settle in, more work to do on me. I’m finding my feet and standing solid, looking north and south knowing the direction is not important but that staying on the path is all that matters. The rest will come.