just a glimmer

Grief is a motherfucker.

If you're looking for something cheery, you're looking in the wrong place. This blog will most likely be taken over by the monsters inside me. So don't read it if you plan to judge me or think I am one of those monsters, or if you feel the need to pity me. Because yes, it's true, grief is a Motherfucker. And, sorry moms, not in a good way.

I'm tumbling through the last week hanging on by a thread.

I feel duped in a way.

It's been a long hard road and I need to get my head on. Not straight, no I don't go for that. But I need to move ahead in a way that feeds me. I am sucked dry and have very little to give. I want some TLC. I want someone to make me soup and tuck me into bed and scratch my back until I fall asleep. Then in the morning, coffee will be freshly brewed but it will just be me and Fig (my dog) in the house, ready for our morning rituals. How great would that be?

I'm beat up. My brain is mush and I have very little critical thinking skills available to me right now. I need time to rejuvenate and refresh so I'm not a sobbing bundle of nerves each time I go out in the world. Okay the gym doesn't count, I need that too. The season of giving and parties is not helping me. I'm going it alone since Thanksgiving. Not really sure I can deal with my blood family and not much other choice. It's cool, I don't generally do this gift giving holiday so well anyway. Usually I eek by with the ritualistic nods but feel guilt and shame for falling prey to the obligation.

I have a couple of truly amazing friends that help me cry and talk and allow me to speak my truth. They listen with compassion and caring and help me find perspective. Thank you, you know who you are I hope.

I need more and I need it now. Tonight I'll go to a group looking for like minded individuals. I hope to meet some people I can eventually befriend. I'm hoping to hear tales that express my desire and truth. It's all a dream right now and I'm having difficulty thinking it will get much better, but a glimmer of hope is alive in me and that glimmer will keep me going today.