free to be you and me

I'm in flux. I'm actually in one of those major life transitions. The kind that fucks with you from all angles so you don't know who has your back or who is a monkey on it.

I'm ending a long term relationship. It's been life altering to say the least. I've learned about myself and grown so much through the years that it stuns me that the relationship got stunted and died. Or better, we got confused and killed it. I had hoped we'd be able to figure out how to grow and allow our lives together to morph into something that would still meet our needs and keep the love flowing between us.

Culturally this is not what we are told happens and we often don't let it. When we find that our needs are no longer met we no longer want that person around (or we cheat). Sometimes we do want them around, but we don't want them to change because it threatens the safety of what we know. If each individual in a couple is growing and changing in different ways look out, the possibilities for big emotional breakthroughs or breakdowns are immense.

I have changed, or rather I have decided to realize the my potential. I'm crushed that my "primary" relationship ended and that my now ex was unable to work with me to find a way to change things. No doubt she tried and I am encouraged by that. Change is hard. Big, emotional, life altering relationship realignment is really fucking hard and you have to be willing to hurt and still put out there what you want and need. In no uncertain terms. This kind of work is not for the weak of heart. It's terrifying and it hurts and it requires a lot of commitment and truth and honesty and trust. If you are willing and capable of tolerating all that I do think it can be worth the mind boggling connectedness you can find. I'm a connector. I like people mostly, but gravitate to deep connectedness. I don't go for light conversation much so I don't have a lot of friends. People are afraid. That's okay because I feel afraid too, and I'm okay being afraid by myself much of the time. The people I do connect with on a deeper level get and give some of the best.

I'm also not a forever person. I'd like to be surprised that people will be forever in my life but I want to try and live without that expectation. I like knowing I can work toward success in a relationship and it does not have to be based only on coupling or forever. I like to think my relationships will change and morph over time and that they will fade if they need to. Fade not sever...

I'm losing friends in the process of coming out as poly. Or at least it feels that way. My "bff" has not been able to talk to me much for a while. It's going to be okay. It may be too much for her to take on. I'll encourage her to read some stuff and find out when I can what's going on.

I hope y'all get what you want out of life and love. Keep an open mind and and open heart.