plenty to say

but this pretty much leaves me speachless...

 

from me to you & back again

I'm out riding my bicycle today, getting some exercise and relaxing a bit. Just yesterday I gave away a bunch of stuff to people that wanted to take it.

I feel free of some physical clutter and even ready to organize and get my studio together.

As I'm riding through my old neighborhood checking out the growth and renewal some free things on the corner catch my eye. Could I really stop and look through some one's leftover crap after just purging mine?! Now I'm just riding around the intersection a few times eying the odds and ends, contemplating a stop. Fuck it. I stop to look at the piece of wood that used to be part of some furniture. I want it and know after ditching the patio chairs I needed some new seating. The old chairs were comfortable, but bulky and not everyone could use them without their feet hanging 4 inches above the ground.

The wood seems perfect for my new project. I strap it to my back and slowly head home looking for more goodies. I'm home and working on the project.  Rope, a ladder and a level.  I make a swinging seat on my patio. Comfortable, fun and pretty.

Life in Portland is all good.

shooting

I just took a shot. My first ever self administered, I think.

It didn't hurt. Even when I missed the location and had to pull back and reinsert, it didn't hurt at all. There was little blood and no leak back. I took it slow so I wouldn't have any oozing.

Oozing, sounds a bit gross but worse it's wasteful. The injection site feels tight but other than that no big deal with this part. I have good support among the few I'm sharing with. I'll wait to see if I want to take another shot next week and then maybe the next but maybe not.

I want to talk to my friends but again like polyamory this is a taboo subject for many. As you see, so taboo I won't name it... It doesn't matter, it's for me, mine, a gift of sorts. An early birthday present.

and then there were three

Life is strange...

I'm in Brooklyn, waiting for my job to start. It's been pushed back a full week and I'm forced to take some down time. I'm staying at my girl's place in Crown Heights, a story in itself (Crown Heights) but the real story is this.

The other night I came home and crashed early to wake in the wee hours of the morning. In the living room was a fish tank terrarium, about 25 gallons I think, and inside were 5 cheeping ducklings. Gorgeous little fluffy things flapping and cheeping and settling, then flapping and cheeping and eating and flapping in the water and settling.

The third grade teacher who lives here did what apparently, a lot of teachers do for their young students in springtime. She got some duck eggs and incubated them. It's a sweet story when you think about the little kids with the duck eggs waiting for them to crack and watching as the tiny bills peck through. Wet little birds drying off and shaking themselves into moving balls of fluff before their very eyes. How many of you experienced this as children?

Not so sweet when you see the ducklings in a little terrarium because the teacher has no lesson plan for their future. No idea what to do with them now and they are stuck in Crown Heights with no guidance about being ducks. They're pretty instinctive those little things. And cute as hell.

I took the teacher and the ducklings to Prospect Park where she let them swim and eat from the lake. Another sweet visual. In her words "If they don't come back to me it was meant to be". The phrase pounding into my brain as I envision the helpless 4 week old babies being eaten by raccoons or worse, rats.

Two nights ago one of the ducklings died in the night. It was lame and wouldn't have survived the wild and I found it dead in the morning. The teacher slept late so I removed the duckling and wrapped it up and placed it in the freezer. I left the teacher a note 'do you want to show the kids this part of the life cycle?'.

Today we're down to three. They are the healthy ones. I looked up what they need to eat and how they should be taken care of but teacher seems oblivious and completely out of tune with the animal kingdom. She seems to have done little to find them a home and no city wildlife agency will take them.

Not my place, not my place, not my place is my new mantra for the ducklings, for me. It's too much for me to take on, so I chopped some fruit and vegetables and left them in the fridge for the teacher while I was making my dinner last night.

When I awoke the terrarium held three healthy looking birds chirping and flapping and saying good morning. One more gone last night.

I get my coffee from the freezer and realize she has taken the frozen duckling with the newly dead. Do you think she took then back to the classroom?

12 steps to...

Hi, my name is Venae and I'm a polyamorist!

"Hi Venae" the group responds.

Maybe the 12 step thing can help.  It's not an addiction, but creating a 12 step program for... for what?  Actually I guess it would be for the archaic, culturally created monogamist in me, not the currently evolving polyamorous me - Riiiiiiight?  And I think I could only handle about half those steps....

Hi, my name is Venae and I'm a monogamist...

"Hi Venae" I'm greeted with smiles and nods.

Then I'd tell my story, how I tried for years to break my chain of serial monogamist relationships. And how I'm working hard to stand my ground and find myself and my love/lifestyle.  How I'm learning to love who I am and find my people, my community.  I'd talk about feeling free and open and real in the world.  I would talk about the slow motion relationship and trust building I'm doing with my friends, my ex, my lover and play partners.  I'd talk about the mistakes I've made along the way, the big ones and the little ones.  I'd mention the people I read and the stories I'm told and the love I feel.  I'd be sure to say it's really scary- but mostly when things are hidden and people are not true to themselves.  And I'd assure that room full of people that I'm never going off the wagon.  I'd talk about the other people I know who are polyamorous but not out to their best friends, and how that affects truth and trust and  ultimately their authenticity in the world.  It's okay though, I'm here to focus on me.  I'd tell that room that it's not easy, but I'm positive right now it's well worth the rough spots, disappointment and confusion.  I'd drink lots of coffee with all the other recovering monogamists in the room.   I'd complain that my friends say stupid stuff and change the subject and that they seem to have a don't ask don't tell policy.  I'd talk about how people think it's all about sex, but it's not.  Then I'd see that hot boy out of the corner of my eye.....

I would talk about being tired of dealing with fear and judgment, fear and rage, fear and jealousy, fear and insecurity, fear and disengagement, fear and more fear, mine and yours, yours and mine.

I'm at this meeting because I'm ready to move on and I'm not sure what that looks like because I've never done this before.  But I'm acting with my best foot forward and taking responsibility for my actions and I want you, and you, and you, and you, to do the same.  Pretty soon I'll have to find a sponsor, but it will probably be easier to just get the ball cap.

Eventually I'll sit down, tears of joy and sadness streaking my cheeks.   I'll stay and listen to other people's trials and triumphs, and in the end we'll all stand up and shout,

"Keep coming back, it works!"

toys, toys, toys

I'm making toys! 

So far they are coming along well but next week will be the true test.  I ordered two sizes of rattan and will start making canes.  I'm a pretty good craftsman and think I can make some kick ass tools for love and brutality.  My friends opened a store here in Portland She Bop and they don't have a lot of BDSM stuff.  I have time and ideas so I've decided to take the plunge.  I'll be meeting with them to see if they want my goodies but will also sell online I think. 

I'm thrilled to be making things.  It's been a long time since I've had the time and space to do anything creative and it feels liberating to say the least.  Hell it's all going on my new zero percent interest cc but I'm confident something will come if it.

No work in New York it seems.  Things are starting off slow this year and the wallet is thinning out.  In the end I always figure something out and this is keeping my interest at the moment.

Here is a close-up of a few of my sweet and nasty toys.  Sorry, you'll have to wait to get a better look.

cheers!

(s)hit the fan

You know when someone starts spewing out their ass and the fan is whirling, things blow up.  Sometimes it's a good thing, a catalyst for real change and growth.  It brings us to what is important, what is right in the world and what is wrong.  It makes us reevaluate what's important.

I want to live here and now with the people that are real and trustworthy.  Those that love me and that I love.  Those that live their lives and share part of themselves even if it's difficult and scary.  I want to be able to come to the table whole and full of myself.  I'm finding out what that looks like and it feels great.  No more will I live my life the way someone else thinks I should.  No more will I tolerate shit from people who say they love me and turn around with a sucker punch.

I've been following a blog by a poly triad and it's great stuff.  I love to think of a future (I know I know I want to live for today!) where my life can be full of love and people communicating their truths in a safe "family" environment.  I want that and have for years.  I have some of those amazing people in my life now.  There is fluidity and trust and honesty.  At the same time, I'm rebuilding trust with others and letting go of relationships that don't have it.  It's a good feeling.  A fantastic start to a new decade.

Don't bring me drama, self loathing, judgment or "your way as the right way".  Bring me you, in all your wonderful glorious truth and be willing to do the hard work and I will do the same.  That's all I ask, the rest will come.  Engage and enjoy the ride.