sorry people

Okay, all two or three of you who read this.  I'm sorry, I have been without spell check for weeks now on this fucking blogspot.  I can't figure out how to get it back since I upgraded the thing.  I'm a geek but not that kind damn it!  I really just like the chicken heads.

Anyhow, I just got spanked by Liz about my spelling on my other blog.

She informed me that if I want to go viral with anything important to me I need to
        a) learn how to spell, or
        b) figure out how the fuck to spell check my shit.
And grammar too?  Fuck- grammar and writing in the first or third person, and keeping it in the same voice all the way through?  That's just way too much to think about.  I've got an MFA, but not in writing people, in sculpture!  Go figure.

I am sorry to hurt your feelings with my errors.  I will try harder.  I really just like to blab about my crappy, fantabulous, fucked-up, fun and lovely, sometimes even spiritual existence...

K?

not the Pagoda!

I was driving today (I have Bro's truck for the week!) and saw a fence around probably my favorite building in the city.  It's an old Chinese restaurant, The Pagoda.  I freaked out imagining it torn down.  I parked the truck and went to take pictures.  It's one of those places that you look at but never go.  I actually went once and the interior was pretty fantastic too.  Unfortunately the food was not so i never went back.  The building is at a major crossroads in Northeast Portland at Sandy, Broadway and NE 39th.  Traffic comes off the highway or passes through because the residential streets are blocked so people don't zip through.  When you come upon the building it just makes you smile.  A "What The Fuck" moment.  I hopped the fence to talk to the people working on the building.  Hey, is this building being torn down?  No, the guy responds.  The historical preservation society kept it safe.  He smiles, It's gonna be a key bank.  I did a little research and the whole thing may be torn down, not sure... 

What I realize from these photos is that they have already torn off the pagoda and the  awning from the top corner of the building.  Above is a picture of the original building, I think the orange tile was installed sometime in the 70's.

Have a look.

world have your say

I heard this program about Angelina Jolie saying open relationships can work. The moderator brought on a bunch of people to negate this statement but the follow-up email comments are varied (including mine). It may seem my blog is mono focused but it's just for now I think. This is such an important issue in my life I'm exploring it fully. Happy reading!


If you want to comment here, I'd love to read what you have to say.

http://worldhaveyoursay.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/is-fidelity-over-rated/

free to be you and me

I'm in flux. I'm actually in one of those major life transitions. The kind that fucks with you from all angles so you don't know who has your back or who is a monkey on it.

I'm ending a long term relationship. It's been life altering to say the least. I've learned about myself and grown so much through the years that it stuns me that the relationship got stunted and died. Or better, we got confused and killed it. I had hoped we'd be able to figure out how to grow and allow our lives together to morph into something that would still meet our needs and keep the love flowing between us.

Culturally this is not what we are told happens and we often don't let it. When we find that our needs are no longer met we no longer want that person around (or we cheat). Sometimes we do want them around, but we don't want them to change because it threatens the safety of what we know. If each individual in a couple is growing and changing in different ways look out, the possibilities for big emotional breakthroughs or breakdowns are immense.

I have changed, or rather I have decided to realize the my potential. I'm crushed that my "primary" relationship ended and that my now ex was unable to work with me to find a way to change things. No doubt she tried and I am encouraged by that. Change is hard. Big, emotional, life altering relationship realignment is really fucking hard and you have to be willing to hurt and still put out there what you want and need. In no uncertain terms. This kind of work is not for the weak of heart. It's terrifying and it hurts and it requires a lot of commitment and truth and honesty and trust. If you are willing and capable of tolerating all that I do think it can be worth the mind boggling connectedness you can find. I'm a connector. I like people mostly, but gravitate to deep connectedness. I don't go for light conversation much so I don't have a lot of friends. People are afraid. That's okay because I feel afraid too, and I'm okay being afraid by myself much of the time. The people I do connect with on a deeper level get and give some of the best.

I'm also not a forever person. I'd like to be surprised that people will be forever in my life but I want to try and live without that expectation. I like knowing I can work toward success in a relationship and it does not have to be based only on coupling or forever. I like to think my relationships will change and morph over time and that they will fade if they need to. Fade not sever...

I'm losing friends in the process of coming out as poly. Or at least it feels that way. My "bff" has not been able to talk to me much for a while. It's going to be okay. It may be too much for her to take on. I'll encourage her to read some stuff and find out when I can what's going on.

I hope y'all get what you want out of life and love. Keep an open mind and and open heart.

just a glimmer

Grief is a motherfucker.

If you're looking for something cheery, you're looking in the wrong place. This blog will most likely be taken over by the monsters inside me. So don't read it if you plan to judge me or think I am one of those monsters, or if you feel the need to pity me. Because yes, it's true, grief is a Motherfucker. And, sorry moms, not in a good way.

I'm tumbling through the last week hanging on by a thread.

I feel duped in a way.

It's been a long hard road and I need to get my head on. Not straight, no I don't go for that. But I need to move ahead in a way that feeds me. I am sucked dry and have very little to give. I want some TLC. I want someone to make me soup and tuck me into bed and scratch my back until I fall asleep. Then in the morning, coffee will be freshly brewed but it will just be me and Fig (my dog) in the house, ready for our morning rituals. How great would that be?

I'm beat up. My brain is mush and I have very little critical thinking skills available to me right now. I need time to rejuvenate and refresh so I'm not a sobbing bundle of nerves each time I go out in the world. Okay the gym doesn't count, I need that too. The season of giving and parties is not helping me. I'm going it alone since Thanksgiving. Not really sure I can deal with my blood family and not much other choice. It's cool, I don't generally do this gift giving holiday so well anyway. Usually I eek by with the ritualistic nods but feel guilt and shame for falling prey to the obligation.

I have a couple of truly amazing friends that help me cry and talk and allow me to speak my truth. They listen with compassion and caring and help me find perspective. Thank you, you know who you are I hope.

I need more and I need it now. Tonight I'll go to a group looking for like minded individuals. I hope to meet some people I can eventually befriend. I'm hoping to hear tales that express my desire and truth. It's all a dream right now and I'm having difficulty thinking it will get much better, but a glimmer of hope is alive in me and that glimmer will keep me going today.

energy and sound

There is so much amazing music in the world And there is so much great stuff hailing from Portland. I know y'all already got this but I feel like I've been sort of plodding along letting it all pass me by.

I went to this Oregon Public Radio show being taped last night (Live Wire) and heard this band Nurses. Number one they were adorable boys playing a variety of things passed through their "heap". A bunch of electronic gadgets distorting the sound. I liked it. And I loved that these guys bounced around and sang to a seated, mostly middle aged and older audience. It was hilarious at first, then the music took me away.

Now I'm eating dinner but while I was cooking I was listening to some public radio music show. I think I must have pandora'd 3 or 4 bands I've never heard of. They had a band in the studio that I also really liked. I like music, I like the radio and I love Pandora. Okay enough dorking out.

I went for a walk tonight to get some air (and rain). I wanted to start feeling better. I've been funky for a few days now and I'm kind of over it. For some reason I couldn't get myself to walk far from my house, I circled closely and then just came home. I remembered Reiki.

I took a Reiki class a month or two ago and was doing really well at practicing every day. But for some reason I have not been making time for it much this past week. I don't know why, It's not like I have a hectic schedule (insert eye roll here).

So I decided to give myself a treatment. My intention was to feel better, lighter, happy even? I lay my hands on my eyes and feel the heat. Clearing my brain was difficult but by the time I got to the second position I could feel my head pulsing, by the forth position my body was coursing with energy. I lay on my side for the 8th and final position and covered myself including my face with a blanket. My eyes closed I was seeing bursts of moving color that kind of freaked me out. I had to open my eyes just to make sure something wasn't wrong outside my head. No just energy pulsing, I guess?

Sound crazy? It is! And I feel so much better for it. I can actually hear the music and enjoy my evening.

Okay, here's the list of music I'm now listening to, check it out!

Thao With The Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster (sounds about right)
The Xx
Nurses

who cares about Tiger?

I don't, but I do love this article in Newsweek. Representation!

http://www.newsweek.com/id/226348

quiet time

I’m squatting down feeding Fig with a fork. Mainly shoving the food out of its muck so she can lick it up. She’s become so blind, and I hate to admit it, but senile too. She seems not to know how to eat these past few days, is standing looking at the wall and generally confused. Looking 15 in her blind eyes Fig’s health is starting to concern me.

So, I’m squatting in the kitchen, fork feeding my dog, and the thing that goes through my head is, It’s so quiet. I’ve been noticing it today. I had to get out of the house for a while because of it, choosing to walk the quiet residential streets. There is no Billy, no music, not talking in the house. Just the sound of the fork scrapping the bowl and Fig lapping it up. I’m thinking… No Billy dragging ass across the floor trying to swoop those leftover Fig morsels before someone yells or snatched his plump little body away, no you tube, or hulu, no bleeping of text messages or emails coming through the phone, no phone calls.

It’s quiet and I need to make it not so quiet. It’s more quiet pounding through my body than I can take. I’m crying and crying from the quiet, making sound that needs to escape.

I’ve been reading through a list of wants-vs-needs in relationship. I wrote it a few months ago when Felice and I were going to see a counselor in Seattle. The counselor asked us to do it so we could have a starting place for our meeting with her. We never shared these lists. Bummer. I wish I had a copy of hers and she mine. It’s important stuff. Felice is the one who got me thinking about it so long ago when we were trying to talk about how to do our relationship. I think it was when we were reading Tristan’s book Opening Up. We were excited about the possibilities. I’m not sure if we shared our lists then either. I wonder if it would have turned out differently if we had done this up front, early in our relationship. Think about it folks and make plans and provisions about what you want, who you are. Do it early so you know where you stand. Don’t cheat, lie, omit important information, and listen to what the other party says. Don't think you can change him/her. Be transparent and do the best you can. It will hurt at some point; it’s a relationship after all. But be out there and real. It’s worth it every time whether you’re coming or going.

I think I like the quiet.

Ouch! I’m thinking that too. That’s harsh right? But also it’s true. It’s been tight quarters here for months and it feels good to open up boxes I haven’t seen for literally years. To organize and clean. To have music or not. To listen to the scrape of the fork on the dog dish.

I’ve been listening to this cd over and over again. Liz gave it to me as a joke because the musician is Rodriguez. She hadn’t listened to it and I just popped it in yesterday cringing a little as I do. Much to my surprise it’s an astonishing album recorded in 1969 the music was lost for decades and the man who made it too. It’s a lightly psychedelic urban tale of drugs, love and revolution. I love it. Rodriguez is compared to Dylan, but reminds me of Nick Drake sans the flowery feel. The music reminds me of Felice and Debbie N. and Zelda, some of the music fanatics I know.

I kind of feel like I just took my last drink. An alcoholic coming out of the fog. The rain has stopped for the moment and the colors are brilliant. There is a haze of new green grass shooting through the black compost in the backyard, it’s pushing up through the earth and into me. The light, composition and color is filling me fully for the moment. But I really want that next drink and I'm angry and sad I can't have it. Last night I took a long walk once the rain stopped. It’s been warmer and it was good to stretch out. I love the starkness of winter branches contrasted by the holiday lights, and occasional garish glare and hum of the blow-up snow people, the santa on a harley, mickey in a snow globe. I can laugh.

I’ve got more work to do around the house to settle in, more work to do on me. I’m finding my feet and standing solid, looking north and south knowing the direction is not important but that staying on the path is all that matters. The rest will come.

how to be poly friendly

This is a link to Freaksexual a blog I really like. The posting is a great way for people to think about how to be friends to their poly friends.

Happy reading!

http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/2008/10/11/how-to-be-poly-friendly/

home alone

I'm home three days and the dissapointment and distrust is setting in.

I bailed on my good friend tonight because again I feel unseen and mistreated. My lfe is in serious flux. Things are new, raw, dissapointing, sad and scary. And I want my broster to be around to support me and talk me through. But no, it's not gonna happen.

Really it's time to find a true poly community. People that get the complexities and are not afraid to talk about it. It's time for me to figure out how to help my friend find ways to support my person instead of cracking jokes about how I'm into anything perverse. Yes, I'm kinky and poly and sex positive and I love perversion. I want to grow a life with like minded indivuals and find safety and comfort in that family. Certainly our culture tells us everything is wrong with who I am and how I want to live my life.

Fuck it. Time for this one to take a giant leap forward.

driving south

I leave Portland early in the morning on Saturday. On the road in the rental car by 7:15. Listening to music and enjoying getting further and further from the overwhelm that has been my life as of late.

I've been dreaming of this car time. Looking forward to alone in my head and body for half a day. But a few hours down the highway I see two people sitting on the side of the freeway. I-5, not a place you want to be hanging out on the side of the road at 9:30 in below freezing weather. I slow and pull over and let the travelers join me. When I tell them I'm going to San Francisco they are elated. My heart sinks that they want to go the entire distance but realize also it's the right thing to do.  I've been working on giving back.

I used to hitch-hike all the time as a teenager and I know it can be risky for both the driver and the riders.  I feel completely safe, and allow myself to trust my instincts. The travelers are Drew and Lady Oak. they have a tiny kitten and the whole of them is smelling up the car. I worry I won't be able to handle it for long, but we crack the windows and crank the heat. They keep me awake. We stop for gas and they buy sandwich makings with their food stamps. They feed me and answer my inquiries. We listen to music and talk about drugs and hippies. My past their present.

Drew was born to gypsies and has ben on the road on his own for 9 years.  He's all of 23 now.  Lady Oak is probably a bit younger an has been traveling with Drew for less than a year.  She had been living at home when her mom lost her job.  She decided her parents didn't need the burden of paying her way any longer, so she left.  They're trying to find an RV so they have a way to move and a place to sleep.  They tell me of all the illegal places to sleep and the help and harassment of cops.  Train hopping and hitching.  They are ever grateful to me for the ride and I'm happy to have them and help them find their way to winter warmth.

They decide to go to Sacramento and I go out of my way to get them to their desired destination. After this journey I don't want them to be stranded 15 miles down the road. I've made good time and I'll still be in SF for dinner.