12 steps to...

Hi, my name is Venae and I'm a polyamorist!

"Hi Venae" the group responds.

Maybe the 12 step thing can help.  It's not an addiction, but creating a 12 step program for... for what?  Actually I guess it would be for the archaic, culturally created monogamist in me, not the currently evolving polyamorous me - Riiiiiiight?  And I think I could only handle about half those steps....

Hi, my name is Venae and I'm a monogamist...

"Hi Venae" I'm greeted with smiles and nods.

Then I'd tell my story, how I tried for years to break my chain of serial monogamist relationships. And how I'm working hard to stand my ground and find myself and my love/lifestyle.  How I'm learning to love who I am and find my people, my community.  I'd talk about feeling free and open and real in the world.  I would talk about the slow motion relationship and trust building I'm doing with my friends, my ex, my lover and play partners.  I'd talk about the mistakes I've made along the way, the big ones and the little ones.  I'd mention the people I read and the stories I'm told and the love I feel.  I'd be sure to say it's really scary- but mostly when things are hidden and people are not true to themselves.  And I'd assure that room full of people that I'm never going off the wagon.  I'd talk about the other people I know who are polyamorous but not out to their best friends, and how that affects truth and trust and  ultimately their authenticity in the world.  It's okay though, I'm here to focus on me.  I'd tell that room that it's not easy, but I'm positive right now it's well worth the rough spots, disappointment and confusion.  I'd drink lots of coffee with all the other recovering monogamists in the room.   I'd complain that my friends say stupid stuff and change the subject and that they seem to have a don't ask don't tell policy.  I'd talk about how people think it's all about sex, but it's not.  Then I'd see that hot boy out of the corner of my eye.....

I would talk about being tired of dealing with fear and judgment, fear and rage, fear and jealousy, fear and insecurity, fear and disengagement, fear and more fear, mine and yours, yours and mine.

I'm at this meeting because I'm ready to move on and I'm not sure what that looks like because I've never done this before.  But I'm acting with my best foot forward and taking responsibility for my actions and I want you, and you, and you, and you, to do the same.  Pretty soon I'll have to find a sponsor, but it will probably be easier to just get the ball cap.

Eventually I'll sit down, tears of joy and sadness streaking my cheeks.   I'll stay and listen to other people's trials and triumphs, and in the end we'll all stand up and shout,

"Keep coming back, it works!"

toys, toys, toys

I'm making toys! 

So far they are coming along well but next week will be the true test.  I ordered two sizes of rattan and will start making canes.  I'm a pretty good craftsman and think I can make some kick ass tools for love and brutality.  My friends opened a store here in Portland She Bop and they don't have a lot of BDSM stuff.  I have time and ideas so I've decided to take the plunge.  I'll be meeting with them to see if they want my goodies but will also sell online I think. 

I'm thrilled to be making things.  It's been a long time since I've had the time and space to do anything creative and it feels liberating to say the least.  Hell it's all going on my new zero percent interest cc but I'm confident something will come if it.

No work in New York it seems.  Things are starting off slow this year and the wallet is thinning out.  In the end I always figure something out and this is keeping my interest at the moment.

Here is a close-up of a few of my sweet and nasty toys.  Sorry, you'll have to wait to get a better look.

cheers!

(s)hit the fan

You know when someone starts spewing out their ass and the fan is whirling, things blow up.  Sometimes it's a good thing, a catalyst for real change and growth.  It brings us to what is important, what is right in the world and what is wrong.  It makes us reevaluate what's important.

I want to live here and now with the people that are real and trustworthy.  Those that love me and that I love.  Those that live their lives and share part of themselves even if it's difficult and scary.  I want to be able to come to the table whole and full of myself.  I'm finding out what that looks like and it feels great.  No more will I live my life the way someone else thinks I should.  No more will I tolerate shit from people who say they love me and turn around with a sucker punch.

I've been following a blog by a poly triad and it's great stuff.  I love to think of a future (I know I know I want to live for today!) where my life can be full of love and people communicating their truths in a safe "family" environment.  I want that and have for years.  I have some of those amazing people in my life now.  There is fluidity and trust and honesty.  At the same time, I'm rebuilding trust with others and letting go of relationships that don't have it.  It's a good feeling.  A fantastic start to a new decade.

Don't bring me drama, self loathing, judgment or "your way as the right way".  Bring me you, in all your wonderful glorious truth and be willing to do the hard work and I will do the same.  That's all I ask, the rest will come.  Engage and enjoy the ride.