come to Jeezus

comes in all forms and sometimes when you least expect it.

I've had a week of down days. Since Monday evening I've been losing the battle with H1N1. I slept all day today and feel much better this evening. I bleach cleaned all the knobs and handles in the house hoping it's not too late. I worry that Felice will get sick the minute I go out of town to see Liz. I won't be here to take care of her and she'll have one more reason to be pissed at me.

This week started on a different note. It's been tense and painful. Sad and distant around here for a while. But on Sunday Felice and I went to Seattle to have dinner with a person that counsels others in polyamorous relationships. I felt validated and I think Felice did too. We came home from that trip and finally by mid week Felice was able to tell me her feeling in a way that I could hear and understand. It was calm and delicate even with the anger. I did not have my armor up and neither did she. A day later I was able to offer Felice a deep apology for my mistake.

The week has progressed and we have some lightness between us. We've never lost the love but it's been weighty in this little house.

I fucked up. I abandon my girlfriend in many ways while trying to convince her my way of polyamory was the way to survive. For me maybe it is, but not necessarily for her...

I fucked up. Leading Liz into this not knowing fully where it would go and not having a clear understanding of how to bring her into my life and create space in my current relationship for us to all grow something.

I fucked up. I was blinded by my years long ambition of living a polyamorous lifestyle before actually being able to set it up with the woman I am partnered with.

I fucked up. I allowed my actions to hurt two amazing women I love dearly.

I am polyamorous, no doubt about that. I've been striving to find myself in this for years. Now I have to figure out how to repair some of the damage done and find a balance.

I'm proud of a lot of things I've done while on this search, but not everything. I'm grateful to have the support of a few strong advocates. I will continue to talk to these people and as Liz tells me, stay away from people who can't support me. It's good advice. The world is set up for monogamists. It's pervasive and has led me astray for years. I need to stand tall and recognize where I fell off the path and push ahead on my quest, knowing full well I will again make mistakes. I know it sound cheeseball and many of you won't get it. But I have a vision, and I know it's achievable. It will make me a better person to pursue love and relationship the way I'm meant to. I will work to keep my listening skills and verbal abilities tuned and my compassion for others and myself at surface of my heart.