human kind/kind human

I worked today
I know, I know, it's a popular not religious holiday
But I haven't had work in a while and I'm feeling it in my slender wallet

I left the job and was going to take the bus home
As you can imagine buses are few and far between
It's a major holiday as we've already discussed

I walked for a while after waiting in the rain for a while
Then I headed off the bus line and walked toward Martin Luther King Jr Blvd
I decided to hitch-hike

Americans no longer pick up hitch-hikers
But I thought, it's Thanksgiving, someone might feel kind
Plus it's raining...

I got to MLK and put my thumb out
I walked a few blocks thumb in the air deciding it was a good experiment
Just then I realized someone had pulled over for me

Tooraj Khodabandeh to be exact
As his business card reads
Toorah sells cars, and he's an actor

He demanded to take me close to home
Asked if he looked presentable to meet his new dates parents
And told me he was from Persia

Iran, I asked?
Yes exactly!
I was happy to make the disclosure mundane

Now I'll google his name
And look at his acting photographs as he suggested
And now you can too

http://www.aracnet.com/~whitcher/tooraj/

monkey day for crows

This morning I was walking my old blind dog Fig around the block. When we go in the morning the crows are out cawing for breakfast or yapping about the weather. This morning I stopped to watch two crows on a wire, they were sharpening their beaks and hanging out just the two of them (they mate for life ya know). One hopped over to the other and bowed its head. The second turned toward the first and began raking its beak through the back of the first ones neck. I've not seen this before. When it stopped, the "raker" stepped to the right a few paces. The other one raised its head and stepped over and bowed again. This went on four times before the one scratching the head of the other started to ignore the submissive begging.   I love the crows.   They're rare to see in NY and I have such an affinity for them here in Portland.  A family has been hanging out here for years being fed by my next door neighbor two times a day. She's 89 or something like that and her husband is already gone.  I'll take over crow duty when she's no longer here.

Years ago I had a girlfriend that was a zit picker. She picked her pimples and primped in the mirror and when she couldn't get something, say on her back, she would ask me to help out. She called it monkey day. It was gross and endearing.   The crows reminded me of this long ago ritual.  I'm enamored by the way they change with the season. Right now the crows are at their shiny best. Jet-black feathers newly gleaming for the winter.    

getting back to it

Yesterday I got out of the house for several hours.  Lunch with Jukie, Counter Media, and coffee talk finale.  It was my first real outing since going to Atlanta and coming home sick sick sick- and it was fun. Today was actually productive.  The lawn has been raked, bulbs planted, old rotten tomato plants pulled, both dogs are bathed and I made dinner for my broster Dfox.

I decided last night that Billy would look show worthy if he was all brushed out.  He absolutely hates it when I glam out on him but look at that little man, no food caught in the matted mess of mustache, eyebrows to be proud of, feet all fluffed and fancy!  What a hot little old man he is.

My list of household chores grows for tomorrow. So grateful to be feeling physically healthy.

growing pains

I'm changing my life
it will prove best in the end
but ouch, it hurts now

come to Jeezus

comes in all forms and sometimes when you least expect it.

I've had a week of down days. Since Monday evening I've been losing the battle with H1N1. I slept all day today and feel much better this evening. I bleach cleaned all the knobs and handles in the house hoping it's not too late. I worry that Felice will get sick the minute I go out of town to see Liz. I won't be here to take care of her and she'll have one more reason to be pissed at me.

This week started on a different note. It's been tense and painful. Sad and distant around here for a while. But on Sunday Felice and I went to Seattle to have dinner with a person that counsels others in polyamorous relationships. I felt validated and I think Felice did too. We came home from that trip and finally by mid week Felice was able to tell me her feeling in a way that I could hear and understand. It was calm and delicate even with the anger. I did not have my armor up and neither did she. A day later I was able to offer Felice a deep apology for my mistake.

The week has progressed and we have some lightness between us. We've never lost the love but it's been weighty in this little house.

I fucked up. I abandon my girlfriend in many ways while trying to convince her my way of polyamory was the way to survive. For me maybe it is, but not necessarily for her...

I fucked up. Leading Liz into this not knowing fully where it would go and not having a clear understanding of how to bring her into my life and create space in my current relationship for us to all grow something.

I fucked up. I was blinded by my years long ambition of living a polyamorous lifestyle before actually being able to set it up with the woman I am partnered with.

I fucked up. I allowed my actions to hurt two amazing women I love dearly.

I am polyamorous, no doubt about that. I've been striving to find myself in this for years. Now I have to figure out how to repair some of the damage done and find a balance.

I'm proud of a lot of things I've done while on this search, but not everything. I'm grateful to have the support of a few strong advocates. I will continue to talk to these people and as Liz tells me, stay away from people who can't support me. It's good advice. The world is set up for monogamists. It's pervasive and has led me astray for years. I need to stand tall and recognize where I fell off the path and push ahead on my quest, knowing full well I will again make mistakes. I know it sound cheeseball and many of you won't get it. But I have a vision, and I know it's achievable. It will make me a better person to pursue love and relationship the way I'm meant to. I will work to keep my listening skills and verbal abilities tuned and my compassion for others and myself at surface of my heart.

fun at the spare room

first day out

I was walking into the market and noticed a Harley sportster parked on the sidewalk. I generally don't like Harley's but whatever it looks nice there. When I get in the store I see my old neighbor Daniella. She's decked out in leather fringe jacket, chaps and a Harley bandanna. I'm wearing my lace up oil tans, Levi's and my Dianese jacket. Cock fight is on. We're standing in the middle of traffic at the front of the store, rush hour, bragging about our bikes, sharing stories about short legs and safety classes. Our swords are out and it's fun.

I had just finished my first ride since having surgery on both my hands and I'm feeling tired and exhilarated and my hands, wrists and muscles hurt. But what I don't feel is numbness. I can tell the ride will help loosen the scar tissue and it's worth the immediate discomfort. Daniella is cute in her fringe and we talk about houses and relationships, H1N1 (her housemate has it) and more about motorcycles.

I get my soup, bread and my spices, she gets her antiseptic wipes and wine and we head out for home hoping it's nice enough for a ride tomorrow.