no white light

Have you ever had that true to life, near death experience?  

Not like seeing the white light thing.  But knowing in your brain that you could actually die if you didn't figure something out Right Now - This MINUTE!

Well, I had that experience this afternoon. 

I had to figure out just how to stay alive and how to get help to do it.

I ate a boiled egg so I could take my medication and supplements.  When I was done eating  I dumped the contents of my pill container into my hand and tossed it all into my mouth while looking for a glass of water.  I swallowed most of the pills with the first gulp and the rest with the second.  As I turned to refill the glass with water a pill lodged in my throat.  

Or so I thought.  I tried the usual gulping water and tongue movements to get it to turn lengthwise but it was stuck and I quickly realized it was in my windpipe.  I drank more water but sort of choked a little and felt the pill sink just a bit deeper.

Looking around I was trying to figure out if more water or hot tea would do the trick while realizing for real it was in my windpipe.  What The Fuck.  So many things were flashing before me, like how unfair it would be to die like this and how messed up it is to not really be able to get a full breath.  I was thinking about all the things I want to do and all the plans I have and why is this happening and how can I get this thing out of my windpipe. I haven't seen my mom enough- damn it!  I felt a little sad and pathetic and I'm thinking of Liz and Felice(*) and not being here for the good stuff- which is starting to happen right now!  My house and dog and not having a Will signed and sealed, dumb fuck!  You have to be kidding, I can't die like this!  I'm squatting and my breath is taken away like I've never experienced before, and I'm scared, but also, I'm determined.  Not now and not like this.  How stupid and how wrong!

I'm looking out the kitchen window and remember Jason is here laying floor in the Airstream, and realize if I can relax enough to walk out to him I can probably live.  He'll be able to save me.  At this point I'm gasping terribly and trying not to panic big.  I get outside and his dog is there, I stumble through the yard and hear my gasping and actually feel embarrased by the sounds coming from my mouth, I sense drool, and now I'm banging on the door to the trailer.  I open the door, Jason is facing the wall away from me but turns his head and looks up.  I keep banging and he jumps up.  His face is horrified as I point desperately to my mouth and make some random, possibly hysterical motions.  I turn around so he can give me the Heimlich. I lunge forward before he can even get to me and when I drop my head the pill shoots from my throat.   It's the big green multi vitamin.  Fucker.  Jason picks it up and looks at me confused.

I'm coughing and gasping and coughing and catching my breath while Jason is lightly freaking out.  He tells me I almost gave him a heart attack.  I tell him he almost saved my life.  I knew he could do it, he seems so handy and good. I'm great after a ten or fifteen minute bout of coughing and drinking lots of water and tea.  My throat is a bit sore, but it's worth it.  I like it here and want to stick around for a long time.  I have big plans after all.

=====

I just woke up and remembered the last time this happened to me.  Not the pill thing, but the knowing I'm gonna die thing.  I'm 15 or 16, floating down the Ellensberg river with my mom and brother.  We're on inner tubes all hooked together by our hands and feet.  We're floating toward this small island in the middle of the river but not deciding which way to go around it so we're headed dead on.  At the last minute we split up.  Mom and Tony go left and I go right scraping the side of the island and flipping over immediately from a branch under the water.  

I'm a really good swimmer. I swam competition all through my childhood.  But when I flipped over there was no swimming to be done.  My tube disappeared and I was caught in an undertow.  That thing had it out for me.  I used all my strength but it was bigger and stronger than me.  I pulled my head up a few times and hollar HELP and catch a bit of air, but continued to be dragged under.  I had that feeling.  Get out or you're going to die.  

I was struggling but getting nowhere,  losing strength and losing the battle when my brother grabbed me and tugged me out of the water.  Again, gasping air and alive.  How did you do that was all I could ask him.  How did you do that? How did you do that?  He had both our tubes and held mine near him as we floated down the river and around the bend to greet my mom.

++++++++

(*) next post: Polyamory

Snow Storm

Damn, I wish...  Sometimes I just want to snort a whole bunch of cocaine and go out carousing all night.  That was then - this is now.

This particular snow storm is the whiteout in the Airstream.  Felice and I bought a 1959, 24' Airstream for extra space. I just finished spraying several coats of primer and doing a lot of repairs.  It's going to be H.O.T.

For those of you not named Diana, sorry, you will not be the first to sleep in the guest room trailer.  But it will be up and running for guests very soon. 

Enjoy the pictures, sorry they are in random order due to me not knowing really how to manage my blog and not wanting to take the time to figure it out right now.  The moving was done with a sexy remote control tractor that I got to drive for a minute.  The guy with the neck tattoo, that's Jeremy, and his boots, yum...  

Finish painting will start momentarily.

summer camp quest

This weekend I spent at Summer Camp. An adult kinky, poly, spiritual camp in the woods outside of DC. It's truly the only place I think I've ever been where I can be me fully, accepted and appreciated for who I am, what I look like and what my body is.

Toward the end of my time there I had an experience that continues to stay by my side. Some would call it a vision quest, some a heavy scene and still others would call it a crazy messed up thing to do.

There was a cleansing of the land around us, a grounding circle, some Lakota prayers and a blessing from our leader. I was attached to my partner Felice by a loop of rope tied to hooks embedded into our chests. Very little blood and no gore, just a means to connect our energy and allow it to flow as we pulled the rope between us and gazed into each others eyes (the gazing, an intense and relationship affirming thing to do in itself). We stood, then sat and pulled the rope with ease, and then pain, and tenderness between us. I felt the flow of old and new circling about us but the goods came in the night.

When the ritual concluded we were told by the leader to pay close attention to the messages we are given for the next few weeks or so. Felice and I had no plans for the evening and without intending to we slept over 10 hours that night. In the morning we spoke of our dreams. It's highly unlikely for me to remember my dreams but I was excited to tell her what I'd remembered. She told me hers first- about accidentally driving a bus slowly into the ocean and people on the bus being upset because it would delay their trip. The embarrassment or shame of causing the delay was her primary sensation. As she was telling me I shot up and said I'd had the same dream. It wasn't exactly the same but it was water and vehicles in the water, and in both of our dreams everyone was safe even though there was a probable tragedy waiting to happen.

My dream happened two times. The first was a small truck going off the road into a swamp and sinking. My dream thought was that someone sunk the truck intentionally so I was not worried. Then I had the same dream from a different perspective where I was talking to Felice and I actually saw the truck fall into the water from the road and watched a person rise to the surface and swim to safety. Like I said, in all dreams everyone was okay. The reality that we had such similar dreams sticks with us as we discuss the symbolism and meaning of each.

I spent the next night in NY with Liz and did not remember any dreams. The following night I had one more "everyone is safe in spite of possible tragedy" dream. I'm putting my brain to good use working out the details of these dreams and talking through the possibilities of meaning. There is some stress for sure but also healing and safety happening in these waters. Don't you agree?

Dfox is home from her weekend trip too. We spent some quality time gossiping about our adventurous weekends and the delicious fun we had respectively. I'm happy to be home and working on settling in.

Each day I look forward to the future and welcome what it brings.

ramble on

Okay people, there is a wonderful thing about Portland Oregon if you own an old house that constantly needs work (and you don't have a closet full of cash). The Rebuilding Center in Portland is a mammoth warehouse of used house parts. It's been around in Portland longer than me and has grown exponentially over the past several years. They have crews that go out and take houses apart to salvage materials and you can buy just about anything house related you want. The lumber they have is old tight grain pine, gorgeous stuff and I can't wait to work with it on some art projects. I have been working on my house for as long as I've owned it and these days I'm pretty committed to using as many green building techniques and recycled products as possible.

Recently I went to the Rebuilding Center to find a window for my garage office. I wanted something that opened and fit into a small space. What I found was a wood construction window that cranks open. it seems to never have been used, works well and fits beautifully. I bought two windows similar to this 5 years ago for my kitchen, they cost me just over $700. I got my office window for $35! And it's so cute! Felice helped me put the window in but I still worked my recovering wrist a bit too much and am feeling the pain of healing. If (When!) you visit Portland make sure I take you to the Rebuilding Center, it's near great restaurants...

I'm so over the wrist brace, but more over not being able to work, lift and carry. I rode my bicycle one handed the other day so I could get a haircut. It was fun but not so safe I suppose.

Have you ever had Reiki? I used to think terrible thought about all that "woo woo crystal wielding stuff" but my Reiki Master Jessica Shaffer is plain and simple a healer. I love her. She has been helping me for a long time but I haven't seen her since I left for NY 4+ years ago. Reiki is all about aligning the bodies energy, grounding and integrating. Probably much more than that, but it's what I have been working on. I came from an appointment yesterday and had to sit in the car for several minutes before I could drive. I had been flying and dreaming and releasing a lot of blocked up mass. I don't really know how this works but feeling your body energy move through you is a phenomenon I never would have believed I could endorse. Hippie much? Fuck yeah, I love Portland and the freedom it brings me!

I'm traveling to kinky summer camp tomorrow with Felice. Currently staying in Baltimore with a house full of Polyamorous folks. It's eye popping what they have and how they have built what appears to be a cohesive family. All good stuff for us to be around this evening.


rebuildingcenter.org
ancientechoes.net/index.html

C'mon Semenya!

I'm so angry by the recent stories coming out about Caster Semenya. Initially I was trying to ignore the whole thing- steam coming from my ears... This morning I ran across a story, about a story in You magazine. The picture of Semenya on the cover has her in a dress, one arm loaded with bangle bracelets. There is so much wrong with this picture. But the message is huge and harmful to legions of people that fall outside the norm. It infuriates me. I was going to upload her "new look" but I decided I didn't want to give in to the pressure. I love the hotness of the picture I'm sharing with you.

At 18 years of age this young person is being told to fall in line with the gender policy of the world patriarchy. It's a tough lesson that may scar her and many others for years to come. Not to mention sports culture on a whole. My hope is that she can break free from what "they" are telling her to be, and stand tall in her identity as a positive role model for so many young people that will follow in her footsteps. Maybe someone in the press will pick it up and tell us something different instead of just hyping the same old trash. But then, I guess I'm a dreamer...

C'mon Semenya, You're the track star! In the words of a master, Do The Right Thing!

Are You F*#>!$+ Kidding Me?

The Oregon State Fair was fucked up amazing and fun! Dfox and Paulie talked me into going on a ride after I ate a corn dog, some deep fried snickers, an elephant ear and a few sips of beer. I didn't vomit but still have a headache from jostling my brain around, and around, and around, and around. The best part of the ride was the Kaia Wilson mini me. I'll post that picture later...